I spent my time being a kid; making up imaginary games, playing in the woods, doing swim team over the summers, forcing my older brother to play dolls with me…you know, just being a little girl.

Life was sweet. No complaints.

Diet culture was sprinkled throughout my childhood here and there; at one point, it led me to believe I was a little too “chunky” compared to the girls around me, so I would make small efforts to “eat healthier” which, of course, lasted about a day or two.

Moments of insecurity about my body would pass quickly and be replaced with the sudden idea to go pull a prank on my brother or call up a friend. For a while, insecurity was fleeting.

As I got to high school, my activities and lifestyle naturally led to some weight loss which went unnoticed by me until I received my first “compliment” on how I “looked so good.” Because of societal beauty standards for women and diet culture, I felt validated and noticed by this weight loss comment. I felt as though I did something right. This, however, started to feed an unhealthy obsession for validation that led me down a slippery slope of under-eating and over-exercising that physically and mentally exhausted me.

Despite knowing deep down that this exhaustion was due to how I was treating my body, I continued to lie to myself and others around me about what was really going on.

Perfectionism masked the not-so-perfect version of my worn-down self that I didn’t want to address.

Years passed and off to college I went. I left the only home I’d ever known and was apart from the family I loved seeing everyday. Adjusting to college, well, let’s just say it didn’t go very well. I was lonely and not doing well in the one thing I took pride in doing well with throughout childhood: grades.

As I fell into depression, an experience I had never had before, I grasped the only thing I knew I had “control” over. Long-term restriction turned into “losing willpower” which led to a highly uncomfortable binge-restrict cycle and even worse body image. I grasped onto exercise despite how much I was just trying to drag along through the day, pushing through the heaviness I felt in my body and in my mind. 

I had officially hit rock bottom. But this is where God gets the glory.

Jesus left the 99 for me. He found me at my worst, and transformed my mind miraculously after I had heard the gospel and accepted its truth into my heart. Depression was immediately lifted. I had finally recognized that, yes, I had a much greater purpose and hope outside of school and making a career for myself. 

I saw life through a new lens. I had found my greatest love in Jesus, and He protected and guided me through a very lonely, difficult time in my life.

But my struggles with eating, exercise, and body image didn’t quite end here. A drive to be the smallest version of myself turned into a desire to be the “strongest” version of myself. I believed this would be my way to finally feeling better in my body, not only physically, but aesthetically. 

My new love for and hope in Jesus renewed my soul greatly, but I’m only human; I still desired to grasp my own sense of control in this life. I entered, what I call, a “transfer of control” which I see in many cases of disordered eating and dieting. Because instead, I wanted to be “strong not skinny” and grasped a new exercise routine and aesthetic goal to fill this desire. 

Enter: gym rat, macro counting era. 

This still led to me feeling unfulfilled, heavy in my body, and mentally drained, but God didn’t leave me there. He pruned me and challenged me to surrender to Him the very things that were keeping me in bondage to grasping disordered eating for a sense of “control” and safety. As I slowly released these things to God, He invited me to finally rest from the striving I had been doing in my body for years.

I let go of the calorie and macro counting and started to allow myself to tune into and trust my God-given intuition. He slowly opened my eyes to the food rules that were keeping my body and mind in bondage for all this time. He renewed my understanding of “health” and how He created my body to be. 

As I increased my confidence in Christ, I felt more okay with letting go of what I strived to be for so long. Over the next couple of years, I realized I not only didn’t need my disordered eating anymore, but that my obsessions with being “healthy,” eating the “right foods,” and over-exercising weren’t actually serving my health at all and were distracting me from all that God had for me.

And now, after being healed from disordered eating for years, all I have to say is thank you, Jesus, for your saving grace and for giving me a heart for the daughters of God who are seeking this very same freedom. I am beyond blessed to do the work that I get to do now. It is only through Christ that I am here today, and it is through Christ that you WILL be freed from the bondage of disordered eating, dieting, and body shame, in Jesus’ name.

Please know that there is no such thing as “sick enough.”

Despite what I went through, the enemy fed me lies that I wasn’t worthy of getting help because “others had it worse” than me. Remember that the enemy will do anything he can to keep you right where you’re at and prevent you from healing. Don’t believe the lies that now “isn’t a good time” or that you’ve “survived this long” with your struggles, so no need to address it now. You are here on this earth “for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14). Don’t spend your life striving after the empty promises of fulfillment that you may think comes with being in a different body than you’re in right now. Your right now body is the one God is calling you to use to advance His Kingdom on earth. You are His vessel, made in His image. Don’t let the enemy distort that.

Much love, sister.

Nicole